Feeling guilty and ruined life

by M
(London UK)

Well, I have just put a label to my abusive mother as a narcissist. I am the youngest daughter, my mother had me in her early 40s, so she did not want more children. I was very pretty blonde with blue eyes, in Spain, where the majority of girls are dark. I was educated in the 70s under Franco Regime, very strict and good schools, but my mother did collect me from the school, at the age of 4 or 5 onwards. I remembered going to my friends door's flats, in the summer days to play, and the mother of my friends, thought I was funny, because I did not return home. I still don't know why I did it. In the school, I remember being taking late, and the director told my mother. My mum she never worried about my education, she only said I was not of Sobresaliente, that is A++, so I have nothing to do. I refused going to the same school in year 5, so my parents took me to a private posh nun school, in Valladolid Spain. The school was so beautiful, I loved the uniform, I passed all the subjects, but they took my out of the school, I remember going there with my mother, and saying the superior nun, that I did not get the highest grades, that was I was taken out. I wanted to be a nun, and in my first communion, my mother negotiated with an older mother's girl to lend me the dress for the day and the pictures, when I wanted to wear the following year, she told me that she had never bought me a dress. I was very sad, the same when they took me from the private school called las Hijas de Jesus. I just could not believe it. I knew that something was wrong. My sister got married when I was only 6/7 and all attention was for her( the beauty of the family) and her baby 1. My sister gap age is 15 years. My mother and sister all these years were worried about kids, nappies, family parties. I was completely ignored, and my school crafts, such as mobile stars to hang or dolls I made at the school for my craft activities were given to my old sister babies'.

I believed this caused a sort of rebellion on me trying to look for somebody who loves me, my mother always tried to undermine me because I am blond with blue eyes, but I used to reply my friends at school told me they want to be like me, why she is keep on saying I am not nice. I was 13 for a summer I mingled with bad people and tried drugs, but just very little only curiosity. One night I escape at night to try some sort of injected drugs, so I went to the place where people share the same needle. There was no substance in the syringe but there was hepatitis c virus, unknown in 1978. I went yellow eyes.. treated but the virus stayed with me for many years. My mother gave no importance at all, she never went with me to the doctors or blood test, as we lived very close to the ambulatory. In year 6 I got into a new school, it was private but not posh. I passed my exams until the summer I decided to try drugs. The drugs issue, was used to humiliate me for the rest of my life. I graduated in University of Valladolid in English Philology, a 5 years degree plus PGCE. It took me longer. My mother did not want me to study, because she said to be silly to learn another language. She did not want me to come to England, and while I was at home, preparing exams, she used to whisper at me to move out, because I was too expensive. I lived 15 minutes away from the university. When I finished the degree, or while I was studying, she cunningly discouraged me to do so. In Spain was not compulsory to attend lectures, so I missed sometimes to study English or prepare exams, and she disrupted to help her to draw pattern for making dresses. She was a dress maker. When I had boy friends, she felt a sort of jealousy, I had an architect student boy friend for a while and when he left me, she was delighted, she said I had no honour, that reputation was lost when I got into drugs, and no one would marry me, and she suspected I did orgies with drugs... etc..which I did not do it. When I failed some of my exams and retake them she just laughed at me, saying I have not brains. While I lived at home with her, my good dad and bother until he got married when I was 20, my cloths disappeared, she just gave to anyone, from my sister, her kids, my brother, cousins anyone. My jumpers, coats, shoes...disappeared and were worn by my sister and her kids. I was shocked and asked to accept it. This was the norm, my things belonged to anyone but me. My father knew her manipulative behaviour, but he did no know how to handle it. So at home were two scapegoats, my father and me. She thought/thinks she is better than my dad, but my dad was the wealthy landowner and house owner, she had nothing. She wanted to control my father's rental contracts with tenants, she put us against my father when she could not controlled my father to get her way. At 30 yrs old I moved to London. She did not want to give me money, she gave me to stay just for a year, working as an aupair until something came up. When I came back at Xmas 1996 from London after 3 months, she was upset, she did not want me at home for Xmas, so the following year, I did not return after a whole year. When I arrived from Madrid-London she started crying in the sitting room because my father was there, pretending she cared for me, but she just was acting. My father seemed to believed her, he was on his site, but he was abused with him as well. When I go my translator job I was so happy as in Spain was very difficult to find work. She was not happy for me, when I went to visit my father and mother after Xmas, as the air tickets were too expensive, both they asked me to stay at home for few months and returned to London later. It is something I cannot comprehend. I believed they wanted me to dismissed from my work and had to return to Spain. My dad had a heart attack the same year I moved to London, so his health was not great, for my mother was just nothing to worried about. When I was a kid I loved going to the village where I was born and my dad own a house, she did not want me to go at all. Now I just really confirmed the reason. She never wanted me to go the village not to learn about the number of hectares my dad owned, when my dad passed away in 2003, I did not know what he owned, the number of hectares, etc... I was told he was dead on the phone, not before, so she removed the money from their joint bank account. I was very sad, while he was in the hospital none rang me to come to his site, even on the phone until I got there I saw my dad death in the tentorium. I came back at work in shock. They asked to come in the summer, as my sister and husband lost all their saving in the dot. com crash, they were desperate for money, so my father had. My mother asked to sign a power of attorney in the notary, and she got in power of my finances, and the division of my father's capital, giving me the worst part, she kept the whole money and my few hectares of land of bad quality allowed my cousin to put in European union beneficiary payment for agricultures or CAP. In 2013 I started felt bad, my GP had been ignoring me for 15 yrs, not blood test, not referral, just nothing, only saying I should look for a husband, here in London where I live. I felt there was really something bad and the locum doctor ordered a blood test which confirmed positive hepatitis c, which I contracted in 1978. My Spanish GP, ignored my elevated transaminases , and the Jewish one in London did nothing, just making money. Finally I was diagnosed with cirrhosis and treated, I was referred to the worst hospital in London, and delays in the treatment, so I thought to sell my lands, the plot of the house and other small properties as, and I told my elderly mum, and she ignored, and discovered she allowed my cousin to put in the CAP subsidies, and she will not allow me to sell until she dies, although I need the money, the only thing she wants me to do is returning home to the family house, her house, to take care of her, because it is the only way I will inherit something she said, ant the care home she was taken nearly a year ago is too expensive. None of my family rings me as it is too expensive, I am the scapegoat, all are against me, as they are all after her money. Spain is doing bad and they have seen reduced their incomes. My older sister is 66 my brother 56 and I am 50, living alone, in London for 20 yrs. the see me like an idiot even though I got a BA Hons degree in English philology at Univ. in Valladolid a 5 yrs degree and a Computing BSC(Hons) in London. they questioned my skills, when none of them went to uni, because they did not pass their exams are they were helped to by their houses. The damage done for my mother is huge, I am still feel sorry for her, after so much love to my sister and brother, they put in a care home, and now they are worried of the cost of it, if she reaches 102, they will inherit less money and that is what they worried. My situation is sad. How on earth can anyone believe me, everyone is against me. Regarding to my father's inheritance the lawyer told me she has the usufruct for life, so if she doesn't want me to sell, she will not sign the transaction and give/let/my lands to be used for anyone... legally I cannot do anything until she dies, and FORGET ABOUT HER...but I feel sorry and Irang her, and I am ill recovering with viral cirrhosis, my health has deteriorated a lot, and I have not been in Spain for nearly four years. I hope I die soon with hepatocarcinoma, she will so happy, as she is doing very well in the care home with very good quality care and food. She is just 91.

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