I thought I was going crazy

by Lubna
(Switzerland )

I've been with my husband for 11years. The first five years were great. I did not see any signs of unusual and irrational behaviours because I was in love and it was hardly ever directed at me. He was charming appeared to be bursting with confidence and I thought he was the coolest and I was in awe of him. But by summer of 2008, He started with his emotional and verbal abuse. The verbal abuse got to me the most. Coming from a family were both my parents especially my dad were narcissistic, I couldn't stand to be yelled at and would physically get sick and my stomach would hurt bad. It started so gradually that I didn't even realise. I thought it was always my fault and apologised to keep the peace. I seriously thought there was something wrong with me. That I'm exaggerating or taking things out of proportion etc etc.

I would cry, beg and plead for us to work on communicating better and doing stuff together. But no matter how much I cried and begged, it fell on deaf ears. Or he would mock or belittle my feelings or yell about something that has nothing to do with what the subject was about. I thought I must be the one who lost my mind. Imagining it all. He just kept on playing games on his iPad and payed no attention to my heartache. Basically if I'm not happy go find someone else.
There was a time I would text him how I felt telling him I am not too happy because I feel we aren't as close as we were. That I know we are going through stressful situations but we should try to find time to enjoy one another once in a while. He would text back acknowledging that and would say that once his stress is over he will revert back to being who he used to be and if I could please be patient and give him a chance. (somehow through texting he communicates better. Maybe cause he doesn't have to look me in the eye. Who knows).

Well, I am patient because I wouldn't have stayed almost six more years taking all that shit if I wasn't. But no one NO ONE!!!! deserves to be treated with disrespect. No one deserves to feel that they are a maid or a parent to their husband. What a turn off!!! Basically. As long as I didn't disagree or have my own opinion all was more or less normal I stress on the more or less because nothing was ever good enough for long. Talk about being a pro at making you feel completely incompetent and useless.

On top of that he in on Paxil pills and rivotril drops and it, according to my observation, really brought out his narcissistic side even more.

I can go on and on but I think you get the picture. Reading over 500pages on narcissism is helping me deal with it in a better way but it's still tough.

Anyway I couldn't take all the crazy irrational inconsistent and very hurtful and demoralising treatment so I got a divorce but I want to learn as much as I can in order for me not to or at least try my very best not to repeat this again. I thank god I have no kids with this man.

It's a shame to see someone with such good qualities that are tainted and covered up with this awful personality disorder.

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