worried

by andrew
(buckinghamshire)

For the past two years I have been involved with a younger woman (im 47). The pain has been almost indescribable. I have a worrying addiction for this type of ‘relationship’ and i believe this woman to have BPD amongst other things. She only has a diagnosis for a ‘Personality Disorder’. I had some awareness of this so i thought i might be able to cope. I know that I am not equipped to deal with this.

She did make me feel heroic, special and loved I didn’t really realise how I felt about her until one car journey.
Whilst she was driving down a dual carriageway she asked me to light her a cigarette. I passed it to her in a manner which wasn’t to her liking. Then I was ‘kitchen sinked’ she started screaming, shouting, wound the window down, shouted abuse out the car. Said I was useless in bed, didn’t think about her. Then she told me i had to give her some ‘fuckin petrol’ money.
I didn’t really know what to do, so she stopped at my house. I got £5 and then came out to give it to her. Her mood had changed on a pin and I thought she looked generally sorry.
‘I don’t want your money’ she said.

When I was by myself that evening i was watching Tv and i just started crying uncontrollably for about three hours. I just couldn’t stop.
Later I would realise that all her phone calls were when she was after something.
She has addictions to drink and drugs and bad people visit her flat. She regularly is covered with really horrible bruises and she tells me that she can ‘take a slap’
Also on about 9 out of 10 occasions whenever things were looking interesting, something would happen...an important call, a knock at the door. On one occasion i was massively aroused and she told me I had to go.
Every now and again a fleeting moment of intimacy would come yet the minute i started to enjoy it, she would end it.
She also seems to know exactly what i’m thinking which is really weird.
My very lowest moment came when i stupidly agree to go with her to the train station whilst she was waiting to be taken to one of her twelve week programmes. i thought i would be fine about it, yet the minute we kissed goodbye I felt a very, very unpleasant feeling in my stomach. I went into the station toilet and was sick. An awful ache of longing which just wont go away.
She was bright, funny interesting and different but wounding and toxic. I wished I knew how to get help.

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